Think of a number and divide it by 3

Ok I have been a bad boy (sadly not in a perverse or naughty way) I haven’t been paying much attention to you (the few remaining readers of this blog!). So what has been happening in my life lately, well to be honest I am like a contented cat sitting by the fire having his chin stroked (not the best analogy but it works rather well) and I feel that I am really enjoying my job and Monkey is being loving a warm (I feel that this could just be a rouse and he is secretly planning to sell me via the interweb to an oligarch, possibly a blind, incontinent not very wealthy one but I’m sure that it won’t stop him!).

It has been almost 4 years since my little Monkey changed my life. In that time I have had to make tea more than ever and his constant demands for beer/tea/white bread/chippies (delete as applicable) would for many people be a breaking point. I sadly have self-esteem issues*which may be the only reason why I am still with him. I have put on about 2 stone since I have been with him; it’s mostly (well nearly all, OK all!) fat and is going to be a bugger to try and remove. I am truly happy and having looked back at my blog when I first started, the improvement has been huge (go on take a look and laugh at my feeble attempts at dating and battles with (mild) depression. It may well cheer yourself up, be honest we all enjoy taking the piss out of those less fortunate then ourselves!) I am in a happy place!

However I do feel that I am not being challenged at the moment and I am starting to get itchy feet – so next year could see changes again! I will try a blog on a more regular event to keep up posted on all that is happening in the wonderful world of shocking fish.

Whores will have their trinkets

SF xxx

*no I don’t – no REALLY I don’t.

Only 71 days till Christmas

Where has the year gone? The last time I looked it was January and I was looking for a new job. Now that I have a new job and a rather cheaper home (some good some bad!) what on earth will next year do to me?

Well Brizzel my Snizzel

Hello, how have you been?

I know that I have been away for a while but if you let me explain I’m sure that you will forgive me (or maybe not!) So here I am in Bristol, so good they named it…once.

OK I have now moved up from Brighton to the mythical city of Bristol (you will be pleased to note that since I have moved up here Bristol has experienced a mini crime wave of stabbings and ‘vile gays in bushes’, honest it has NOTHING to do with me!) The new job is going well and I have now found a soul mate or two in the lovely (read that is cantankerous and bitchy) Lauren (think Wednesday Addams and you almost have her!), beautiful Helen (what she can do with paper mashie would make your eyes water), Caroline (pirate pete to her friends) and all the other freaks and weirdo’s that I have to work with. The job is very similar to the last one (sans the dildos and lube and replaced with Hot Chocolate and Cookies) sadly as a vegan I can’t eat the Cookies (don’t worry Monkey has now put on about half a stone due to my feeder tendencies and we may well be feasting on suckling Monkey come Christmas) but I get to feed frappes (or fraps as we in the trade like to call them!) to everyone else. Those who have worked with me will know what I am like (feeder? who, me?) and a warehouse filled with cookies and hot chocolate will only mean that by the time I leave I’m sure most people will have put on at least 2 stone!

So what about the new flat? Well we live in a place that Monkey refers to as ‘the gay balamory flats’ which to be honest they are a little like. The flat also has a nasty infestation of ‘Gayz’ as we homos like to call them. It may well be the mythical place that ‘Gayz’ come to die (or should that be ‘dye’) and Monkey has already started to stalk the possible ‘Gayz’ in the flat below (they like to wear very little while parading about their front room – which when you consider that they are on the ground floor over looking the road is quite ‘Gayz’) We have 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms (I know, I now have no excuse for not having a shower or bath!) but sadly it does have a down side (well something that Monkey doesn’t like) the Kitchen is in the same room as the living room which is a big downer for him (although he likes the fact that he gets his cups of tea quicker than before.) The move from the old flat was quite heartbreaking, it was the first flat that I had ever been proud to invite people round too – well if you had seen the main living room with is 18ft ceiling and balcony with sea views – you would under stand. I didn’t become a ‘grumpy git’ during the move – which as Monkey was going to leave me on the side of the road if I pissed him off, was quite a relief. It sill amazes me that we had so much tat in the old flat (we binned 18 bags of rubbish – and I mean rubbish). I will miss Brighton, but I know that someday we will go back (although not until we can afford to live their!)

So what does Bristol have in store for me? Well seeing as it has rained for most of this month and it looks like it will keep raining for the foreseeable future (how long is a cubit? I may need to build an ark!) So my Big Brizzel adventure begins here!

With delusions of grandeur

SF xxx

PS Thanks to Christa for getting me hooked on Sia

How to say goodbye – but with style (or lack of it!)

Today is my last day at work, I have spent the last 3 years here and will miss every single person. So I sent an email to everyone telling them my inner thoughts. It went like this…

Hello Everyone

 

(a crappy youtube link to help you get in the mood! – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HECJLH4onZk)

 

As this is the last day that EVERYONE is going to be around, I just wanted to say that it has been a pleasure (most of the time) working with each and every one at Apollo (well almost everyone). It has been a great learning experience and I have come to think of things that many would find abnormal and depraved as being normal and run of the mill. I will miss walking into the sales office and calling Sarah a c*nt and making sexually surjestive hand gestures towards Su and Matt. I will miss the Silver fox and the work shy lollygagger – sorry I mean Dex - in the whorehouse warehouse. I will miss having an office filled with sex toy fumes that may result in a premature death and a lowered sperm count (oh what the heck, I’m not going to spread my genes around) I will miss working from 8am until late each day for pennies and the odd (in some cases very odd) sample sex toy. I will miss Tony and his Cornish pasty shoes. I will miss Simon and his emails (well ok not all his emails). I will miss Darren and Geoff as well. I consider each of you to be a friend acquaintance and would at least think about not calling the police if I bumped into you again.  

 

I have enjoyed my time at Apollo and know that I will miss working in an office that is filled with love/STD’s/shit/sex toy fumes (delete as applicable). So please raise your glass/special brew can/box of wine/cold cup of coffee (delete as applicable) and toast to the best 3 years of my life*

 

Loads of love

 

Paul

 

*Terms and conditions apply. The statement that has been written may not be the statement that was going through my head at the time, but as I didn’t want to write ‘Die,die, you must all die’ whilst making a machine gun noise, I thought that it would be better to put this. This statement is not redeemable at any good book stores but it will get you a soapy tit wank from a cheap Russian hooker down by Shoreham docks.

New day, same sh*t

I have a new job!

That Sunday feeling

It has been one of those weeks, well to be honnest I think that the whole of January has been a little bit…well crap to be honnest. I am currently ‘recovering’ from a rather nasty cold. I spent all of Saturday lying under the duvet (in the living room in front of the TV). I was unwell,  the point that even Monkey went out and brought cough syrup and soup for me (now that tells you how ill I was – even Monkey didn’t ask me to make tea for him at all through out the day.).

 Well I was feeling better by the next day. Monkey, woke up, gazed into my eyes and spoke to me in a soft and husky voice ‘Tea? Big cup!’ before removing the covers from me and forcing me out into the cold kitchen to pander to his wanton carnal tea needs. Its nice to know that I do at least get one day off to recover from a possible (and in a manly type of way) life threatening illness.

 So after burning my hand on a scalding tea bag, I showered and changed (Monkey being a grubby bugger just put clean clothes on a dirty, filthy, grubby and many other words ending in ly, body. We popped out into Brighton, mostly to see what I hould by the little ones (Its my youngest neice’s Birthday on Sunday and we still owe them Christmas gifts – they went to New Zealand to see thier other grandparents – my sister had fun, a hyperactive three year old and a ill/teathing 1 year old on a 34 hour flight! ha ha ha ha!) and Monkeys comics (Empire, SFX, Wii Reviews and a bag of sweets) and my magazines (New Humanist, Freethinker, Marketing and a bottle of water – go you can tell that Im the older of the two of us – although I look sooo much younger).

After wandering around we discide to book tickets to see ‘Sweeny Todd’ so we book tickets and with 1hour and 45 mins till the film starts we make our way for something to eat.  We went to Yo Sushi – the fuckers have changed te menu – all the vegan items that I liked had been removed (although Monkey informed me that his favourite Chicken dish is still on the menu, so he was fine.) so we then move across the road to Pizza Express. After waiting for almost an hour the food arrived – so we bolted it down. With only 4 minuets we had to run (filled to the brim with pizza and diet coke) to the cinema – I was jiggling like a waterballoon, Moneky being the true gent that his is, kept on making me laugh by poking me in the side; so weazing and jiggling like some sort of asmatic hippo we arrived at the cinema.

 Monkey grabs an ice cream and I filled up half a bath tub with cheap semi-flat cola (it was foul tasting pepsi max). I manage to drink most of it before the film starts. The film was great;I think that Tim Burton is a true cinamatic genius and if you havent seen the film yet, I would advise you to go and see it. The look is stunning, the feel of the film is deep and dramatic and the acting talent is one of the best around. I love Johnny Depp; he is truely talented and a great actor.

I am trying to think of a great way to end this post – I may well edit it once I have posted it but it will have to do for the time being.

 Piff, Puff, Poof

 sf xxx

No rest for the wicked

I would like to say that the weekend was fun. I would like to say that I won the lottery infact there are many things that I would like to say happened. Sadly this is not the case.

 I will post soon with more info

 sf xxx

Your eyes will go square

Mmmm I wonder why I am starting to hate digital TV? Is it the fact that if someone farts in another room we lose all the BBC channels? Is it the fact that I have become hooked on QVC (curse you….curse you and your overly expensive postage and packaging *shakes fist towards the sky*) is it because of the early morning (midnight ‘til 5am) quiz channels with the contestants who are stupid enough to believe that they have any chance of winning that £1000 cash prize (“its a colour; ends with ellow; what could it be?”). Arghhhh!

Could it have something to do with the fact that I will quite happily watch episodes of Scrubs/Cribs/Antiques Roadshow even though I have seen them 100’s of times before. Maybe it has something to do with my love of day time TV – come on who doesn’t like old reruns of Murder She Wrote (and before any of you think that I am being sarcastic I will have to let you know that I have the box sets of series 1 through 6)

I am weak willed – there are you happy now that I have admitted it! I will happily watch crap – hell, I would watch paint dry if they had ad breaks. I am a marketing mans wet dream. I love it – yet I hate it… she is a cruel mistress yet this is the reason why I am happy to come back for more. Now if you will excuse me its almost time for QVC decoupage hour…

I will leave you with this little nugget from early morning quiz TV home many time can you say ‘Come On’ before it get irritating? Where do they drag these people in from (and can I get a job?)

Why Don’t You…

sf xxx

(PS Monkey has also become obsessed with watching – and singing very loudly – along with Bonnie Tylers “Total eclipse of the heart”, should I be worried by this?)  

That Sunday feeling

Sunday, the day that always gives me that ‘I want to be sick’ feeling in the pit of my tummy. I have always hated Sundays! I know that it has more to do with the fact that its Monday tommorow and having to go back to work is something that no one ever really enjoys. Roll on me winning the lotery and never having to work again – not to self must buy lottery ticket at some point…. 

Sorry this is dull!

I think I’ve hit a dry patch. I am sitting here thinking (or attempting to) of something witty and charming to post about. I can’t. I mean it’s not as if I dont have anything to write about. I could start rambling on about Money’s complete lack of willing-ness to put washing into the washing machine, wash some dishes or even tidy up the front room. I could also write about how poor I am at the moment. I have about 3p in my bank to last me until the next pay cheque, which is something I hate. I mean I work hard, I don’t drink, don’t do drugs, lead a near puratanical lifestyle and yet I still can only just about get by? This is probably the main reason why, tommorow, we will be hunting for a new flat.

 I does sadden me to move out of here, I love this place it’s huge and grand and feels like home (although I have a feelking that it has more to do with the fact that Monkey is here as well) but it cost a small fortune to rent. £950 per month (two bed, very small bathroom, medium sized kitchen and a huge front room) which equates to $1857 US or $1908 Canadian. Now Im sure that you are going to tell me that if I lived in a different country I would be able to buy a house and live like a king for the rest of my life on that sort of cash, and to be honnest Im sure your right. It is getting more and more expensive to live in the UK.

 Now I could go and move to South Africa (they even have gay weddings) but I have never liked the idea of walking away from a problem. I need to go away and think about this – what should I do?