Think of a number and divide it by 3

Ok I have been a bad boy (sadly not in a perverse or naughty way) I haven’t been paying much attention to you (the few remaining readers of this blog!). So what has been happening in my life lately, well to be honest I am like a contented cat sitting by the fire having his chin stroked (not the best analogy but it works rather well) and I feel that I am really enjoying my job and Monkey is being loving a warm (I feel that this could just be a rouse and he is secretly planning to sell me via the interweb to an oligarch, possibly a blind, incontinent not very wealthy one but I’m sure that it won’t stop him!).

It has been almost 4 years since my little Monkey changed my life. In that time I have had to make tea more than ever and his constant demands for beer/tea/white bread/chippies (delete as applicable) would for many people be a breaking point. I sadly have self-esteem issues*which may be the only reason why I am still with him. I have put on about 2 stone since I have been with him; it’s mostly (well nearly all, OK all!) fat and is going to be a bugger to try and remove. I am truly happy and having looked back at my blog when I first started, the improvement has been huge (go on take a look and laugh at my feeble attempts at dating and battles with (mild) depression. It may well cheer yourself up, be honest we all enjoy taking the piss out of those less fortunate then ourselves!) I am in a happy place!

However I do feel that I am not being challenged at the moment and I am starting to get itchy feet – so next year could see changes again! I will try a blog on a more regular event to keep up posted on all that is happening in the wonderful world of shocking fish.

Whores will have their trinkets

SF xxx

*no I don’t – no REALLY I don’t.

Well Brizzel my Snizzel

Hello, how have you been?

I know that I have been away for a while but if you let me explain I’m sure that you will forgive me (or maybe not!) So here I am in Bristol, so good they named it…once.

OK I have now moved up from Brighton to the mythical city of Bristol (you will be pleased to note that since I have moved up here Bristol has experienced a mini crime wave of stabbings and ‘vile gays in bushes’, honest it has NOTHING to do with me!) The new job is going well and I have now found a soul mate or two in the lovely (read that is cantankerous and bitchy) Lauren (think Wednesday Addams and you almost have her!), beautiful Helen (what she can do with paper mashie would make your eyes water), Caroline (pirate pete to her friends) and all the other freaks and weirdo’s that I have to work with. The job is very similar to the last one (sans the dildos and lube and replaced with Hot Chocolate and Cookies) sadly as a vegan I can’t eat the Cookies (don’t worry Monkey has now put on about half a stone due to my feeder tendencies and we may well be feasting on suckling Monkey come Christmas) but I get to feed frappes (or fraps as we in the trade like to call them!) to everyone else. Those who have worked with me will know what I am like (feeder? who, me?) and a warehouse filled with cookies and hot chocolate will only mean that by the time I leave I’m sure most people will have put on at least 2 stone!

So what about the new flat? Well we live in a place that Monkey refers to as ‘the gay balamory flats’ which to be honest they are a little like. The flat also has a nasty infestation of ‘Gayz’ as we homos like to call them. It may well be the mythical place that ‘Gayz’ come to die (or should that be ‘dye’) and Monkey has already started to stalk the possible ‘Gayz’ in the flat below (they like to wear very little while parading about their front room – which when you consider that they are on the ground floor over looking the road is quite ‘Gayz’) We have 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms (I know, I now have no excuse for not having a shower or bath!) but sadly it does have a down side (well something that Monkey doesn’t like) the Kitchen is in the same room as the living room which is a big downer for him (although he likes the fact that he gets his cups of tea quicker than before.) The move from the old flat was quite heartbreaking, it was the first flat that I had ever been proud to invite people round too – well if you had seen the main living room with is 18ft ceiling and balcony with sea views – you would under stand. I didn’t become a ‘grumpy git’ during the move – which as Monkey was going to leave me on the side of the road if I pissed him off, was quite a relief. It sill amazes me that we had so much tat in the old flat (we binned 18 bags of rubbish – and I mean rubbish). I will miss Brighton, but I know that someday we will go back (although not until we can afford to live their!)

So what does Bristol have in store for me? Well seeing as it has rained for most of this month and it looks like it will keep raining for the foreseeable future (how long is a cubit? I may need to build an ark!) So my Big Brizzel adventure begins here!

With delusions of grandeur

SF xxx

PS Thanks to Christa for getting me hooked on Sia

Best thing ever!!

I have to say that I am rather loking forward to the weekend. I am off to see the family (whilst also dragging Monkey along with me; he hates ‘family’ type things) to celebrate the 1st birthday of my youngest neice. I will also be seein my mother, sisters, grandmother, aunt and verious other family types. So this shin-dig that will result in Monkey having to suffer my family will put a huge smile on my face and an even bigger one in my heart….

 Yay to Family

 sf xxx

That Sunday feeling

It has been one of those weeks, well to be honnest I think that the whole of January has been a little bit…well crap to be honnest. I am currently ‘recovering’ from a rather nasty cold. I spent all of Saturday lying under the duvet (in the living room in front of the TV). I was unwell,  the point that even Monkey went out and brought cough syrup and soup for me (now that tells you how ill I was – even Monkey didn’t ask me to make tea for him at all through out the day.).

 Well I was feeling better by the next day. Monkey, woke up, gazed into my eyes and spoke to me in a soft and husky voice ‘Tea? Big cup!’ before removing the covers from me and forcing me out into the cold kitchen to pander to his wanton carnal tea needs. Its nice to know that I do at least get one day off to recover from a possible (and in a manly type of way) life threatening illness.

 So after burning my hand on a scalding tea bag, I showered and changed (Monkey being a grubby bugger just put clean clothes on a dirty, filthy, grubby and many other words ending in ly, body. We popped out into Brighton, mostly to see what I hould by the little ones (Its my youngest neice’s Birthday on Sunday and we still owe them Christmas gifts – they went to New Zealand to see thier other grandparents – my sister had fun, a hyperactive three year old and a ill/teathing 1 year old on a 34 hour flight! ha ha ha ha!) and Monkeys comics (Empire, SFX, Wii Reviews and a bag of sweets) and my magazines (New Humanist, Freethinker, Marketing and a bottle of water – go you can tell that Im the older of the two of us – although I look sooo much younger).

After wandering around we discide to book tickets to see ‘Sweeny Todd’ so we book tickets and with 1hour and 45 mins till the film starts we make our way for something to eat.  We went to Yo Sushi – the fuckers have changed te menu – all the vegan items that I liked had been removed (although Monkey informed me that his favourite Chicken dish is still on the menu, so he was fine.) so we then move across the road to Pizza Express. After waiting for almost an hour the food arrived – so we bolted it down. With only 4 minuets we had to run (filled to the brim with pizza and diet coke) to the cinema – I was jiggling like a waterballoon, Moneky being the true gent that his is, kept on making me laugh by poking me in the side; so weazing and jiggling like some sort of asmatic hippo we arrived at the cinema.

 Monkey grabs an ice cream and I filled up half a bath tub with cheap semi-flat cola (it was foul tasting pepsi max). I manage to drink most of it before the film starts. The film was great;I think that Tim Burton is a true cinamatic genius and if you havent seen the film yet, I would advise you to go and see it. The look is stunning, the feel of the film is deep and dramatic and the acting talent is one of the best around. I love Johnny Depp; he is truely talented and a great actor.

I am trying to think of a great way to end this post – I may well edit it once I have posted it but it will have to do for the time being.

 Piff, Puff, Poof

 sf xxx

Change of P(l)ace

I like biscuits. I know it’s a strange way to start a post but it’s a fact. I really really love Bourbon Cream Biscuits. I am yearning for a sweet treat and at the moment I don’t have any! I have a feeling that I should be going out to get some but seeing as we don’t have any money (I have -£5.25 in my account, Monkey is over his £3000 overdraft and the joint account has less than 35p in it!) The money thing is worrying me a lot at the moment. I work hard (sometimes), I don’t drink or do drugs – so where the hell is all my money going. I know that as a couple we could spend a lot less on eating out, which the last time that we checked was running at about £350 per month ($685 US or $704 CAN) which by any stretch of the imagination is a hefty amount to be spending.

So what are we planning to do: Well as I may have touched on over the last few posts; we are looking to move house. I love this place but we have found cheaper places elsewhere (make that a saving of around £200 per month) plus cutting out all the eating out (£350) and changing the places where we shop (£150) we will be saving over £700 per month. This is where it get interesting and new. In August we are planning to move – away from Brighton and start a new life as vagabonds. I even have the red spotted hanky to be able to do this. I would like to point out that before you get your hearts set on me appearing in ‘Hobo Wrestling Vol4’ we are planning to move to Bristol. Neither of us have the faintest reason as to why we are moving to Bristol. I think it could do with the fact that it’s a lot like Brighton was about 10 years ago – going up. The house prices are relatively good and renting is going to be loads cheaper than in Brighton.

So as soon as we have finalised and made the plans to move I shall let you know!

sf xxx

Sorry this is dull!

I think I’ve hit a dry patch. I am sitting here thinking (or attempting to) of something witty and charming to post about. I can’t. I mean it’s not as if I dont have anything to write about. I could start rambling on about Money’s complete lack of willing-ness to put washing into the washing machine, wash some dishes or even tidy up the front room. I could also write about how poor I am at the moment. I have about 3p in my bank to last me until the next pay cheque, which is something I hate. I mean I work hard, I don’t drink, don’t do drugs, lead a near puratanical lifestyle and yet I still can only just about get by? This is probably the main reason why, tommorow, we will be hunting for a new flat.

 I does sadden me to move out of here, I love this place it’s huge and grand and feels like home (although I have a feelking that it has more to do with the fact that Monkey is here as well) but it cost a small fortune to rent. £950 per month (two bed, very small bathroom, medium sized kitchen and a huge front room) which equates to $1857 US or $1908 Canadian. Now Im sure that you are going to tell me that if I lived in a different country I would be able to buy a house and live like a king for the rest of my life on that sort of cash, and to be honnest Im sure your right. It is getting more and more expensive to live in the UK.

 Now I could go and move to South Africa (they even have gay weddings) but I have never liked the idea of walking away from a problem. I need to go away and think about this – what should I do?

New Year – almost new me!

Could this be the year that I finally sort out my life? Well if things go according to plan, then maybe? This year will see some major changes to the way that I have been living my life. I am not going to tempt fate and tell you all about (the dear sweet and close friends of the interweb.) what I will be doing. So here goes; just a few of the things that I shall be sorting out this year!

PERSONAL

This is the year that I am going to make my mark on the world. But, what to do? Do I seek world domination? I would need a hollowed out volcano and a white pusrsen to be able to do this. I doubt weather ebay would have either of those things. What about a chart number 1. Well come off it, it’s not difficult to do; just look at what is in the current chart! I shall also have to loose a little *cough* of the excess weight that I have put on over the last year *cough*. I need to move on from the job that has taught me more than any other job I have had the pleasure to do; mostly about huge black/green/tan/blue rubber cocks. It has been a great experience but I do need to move on…

I will also be doing some huge, new and rather unexpected things during the year! Let’s just say that it will involve me and the monkey moving house at least three times. That is all I will tell you for the time being as, if I do tell you, I am sure to bugger up the whole thing.

HEALTH & BEAUTY

I must become more beautiful. I know that it’s highly unlikely to happen. I don’t take a good photo. You just have to look through the rouge’s gallery that is my facebook account. I have a look of the strange bloke that your mother warned you not to talk to when you where a kid. So plastic surgery is the only option. I’m thinking about maybe a chin tuck, liposuction, get rid of the bags under the eyes, fuck it; maybe a total body swap. I also recon that I need to start some sort of exercise régime, something that is fun *shudder* and wouldn’t force me to wear spandex (not a pleasant thought).
  
WORK & PROFESSIONAL LIFE

Get one!

COMMUNITY

Oh god! Am I going to be forced to join the ghetto that is the gay community? I would rather kiss David Cameron’s arse! Mmmm maybe I should join a book club or craft circle. The local Starbucks has a craft evening on a Thursday. Wow! I could make my own cards like they do on QVC – can I hear Christmas decoupage anyone?

GREEN

So what can I do to become greener? I would like to get a wormary. We recycle about 69% of all our waste, so maybe I need to look at what I am buying – maybe cut out the shit that I buy. Come on it we all do it.

MONEY

Get some. I really need to sort out how I spend the pittance that I currently get. Maybe get me a less expensive boyfriend; I could sell him via the small ads.

Pets and Pet Equipment
NORTHERN MONKEY – One slightly soiled Northern Monkey for sale. Good working order will demand big cups of tea, but with a few light beatings, you will get used to his demands. Almost house trained, will require news paper to be laid down over the floor. £15 O.N.O Call Paul on 01237 465035

HOME

Well I still have some big news to tell – but I can’t until I know – but keep watching this space

EDUCATION

Get some

TRAVEL

Watch this space!

So with a few little hints as to how my life will be playing out over the next few months and weeks, I do have to say that things do change (and I hope that this year they are for the best!)

Bingo Bango Bongo

Sf xxx

Sorry Monkey Sorry

I have upset monkey. I was being a bit of a twat – well ok a huge one. I am really sorry.

death by phonecall

I may well die here, the long wait, I may be forced to knorr a limb off.; I have been on hold to BT for 35 minuets. At the moment I’m dealing with a partner who is having withdrawal symptoms over the fact that we don’t have an internet connection.

The foolish people over the road who have unsecured wireless internet access have cottoned on to the fact the monkey (being the cheap Northerner that he is) was “nicking” the internet from them. I have to say that as we have just got a 280 quid rebate from the electricity company – woo ho! Sadly this means that “his nibs” want’s me to use this money to get fancy internet access – I would rather by food and pay the gas bill.

There is a moral in this – fuck knows what it is… maybe “never let a Northerner near free internet connection” or possibly “BT are bastards, evil, evil bastards”. I personally like the last one

To keep you all amused I have found an entire episode of my favorite shows – Black Books (it reminds me of Monkey and me – I’d be Manny and Monkey would be Bernard)

Enjoy

Dirty – so very Dirty

SF xxx

Paul Loves Monkey – Monkey loves Final Fantasy 12

I have become a gaming widower – final fantasy 12 came out last friday and todate Monkey has spent over 24 hours playing the game…

I would like to say that it is affecting our relationship but it does get him out of my hair and keeps him amused (so its not all bad!) but the only problem is that the bugger then wont let me watch the TV. I am considering the best course of action but until then the status quo shall remain. I would greatly appresiate the help that the interweb people could bring to this situation (and the person who gives the best answer will win a box full of sex toys – unused ones at that)

So stick your beak into someone elses problems and see what you can do to help me and win your self a bucket full O sex toys.

Word out to the world

SF xxx