Find a new ‘Lumpy’

I am sitting at work and as usual I am not working but just thinking about work. I know that some people who have tough and manly jobs are going to sit back and give a good old masculine belly laugh at the fact that my job is hard. I know that its not chopping down trees or lugging bricks up a mountain, but never the less my job is hard.

I have spent much of today pondering the deeper meanings of a rather strange pink vibrator called “Lumpy” and before I get comments about “..why did you call it that..” or “..what a shit name..” I have to hold my hands up and say IT WASN”T ME! I know that in time gone past I have come up with a fair few shit names for rather unattractive products; a good example was the ‘Atomic Buzz Bomb’ which sold so well that we discontinued it within 3 months of taking delivery.

Sometimes it’s not my fault. Over the last few months we have taken delivery of some rather interesting male lingerie. I want to go on record and say that I was never convinced about the stuff and was forced into taking it on because my old boss thought that it would be the must have item for ‘gay’ shoppers. As a ‘gay shopper’ I would never touch the stuff – its…. its… well take a look for yourselves:

Also if you know of any ‘gay shoppers’ who would want to buy this stuff please let me know – we have a warehouse full of the stuff! Which can be purchased through that fine erotic retail out-let cherrybliss (if your under 18 don’t look at this link, also best not to look if you are offended by images of unattractive people in underwear or people with deeply held religious beliefs – I’m not suggesting that the site is full of images of people with deeply held religious beliefs rather that if you do have them you might get offended. But to the rest of you filthy beggers’ – go ahead and take a quick look I’m sure you will love it!)

So to wrap up this interesting post? I would like some suggestions for a new name for ‘Lumpy’ – the winning person will get a free ‘Lumpy’ vibe and batteries as well… Sorry Wondy but you can’t post – you’re a pro – not that way though..

Scraping the bottom of the metaphorical barrel

sf xxx

Monkey Magic!!

Today is a good day! I am sitting in the home office typing this – yes it has only taken us 13 months but we at last have wi-fi. Horray! But before you start getting too carried away with rapture over the news, I should first tell you about the horror that British Telecoms put me through in order to get the bloody thing. Are you sitting comfortably; I shall begin.

We had ordered the wi-fi which took a whole 15 minuets; this was fantastic. The wonderful; spanglly wireless hub would arrive with us something between 8 and 5 on Friday (30^th November), this is where the horror begins…. By 5 the delivery had not arrived so I contacted BT. It transpires that the delivery company had tried to deliver it to a fictious address; well these things happen so I gave BT the correct address and was told that they would redeliver the parcel on Monday (3^rd December).

Well Monday came and went so by 6pm on the Monday I had to call BT again. After waiting for 54 mins I was told that I had come through to the incorrect number and that I would be put through to the right number if I didn’t mind holding. I didn’t; so I was put through to the right line. After another 47 mins I spoke to a wonderful woman who informed me that I would have to contact the delivery company to find out what was happening to the parcel. So I did! After lessening to green sleeves for another 37 mins I got through to the delivery firm. I was put on hold whist the call centre monkey (I can say that as I have been a call centre monkey many times over the last 10 years) tried to find out what happened. So after yet more time lessening to a tinny rendition of Green Sleeves I was told that they could not deliver the address as it did not exist.

This confused me; I was at home at the time and was quite sure that my flat is real. I turned out that the delivery company still had the made up address that BT had given to them. By this time I was biting my fist so that I wouldn’t explode at the poor unfortunate CCM (Call Centre Monkey). So after several deep breaths I agreed that it would be best to deliver it to my work. I gave them the full address and was reassured that it would be delivered the next day (as the CCM said to me “honest” when I quizzed her over weather this would be the case).

Guess what, Tuesday came and went

Again I had to call the delivery company and find out what the hell was going on. Lucky it only took me 35 mins to get through; but I was reassured that my “call was important and a willing member of staff would rush to answer my question with a smile and polite disposition” sadly this was not the case. The CCM who answered my call was surly and a bit of a bitch. It turned out that the parcel would not be delivered on the Tuesday but on the Wednesday instead. To say that I was a little pissed off was a bit like saying that those Spice Girls adverts for Tesco are a little bit shit! As a result to not having anything better to do, I agreed (through gritted teeth) that I would once again wait around until 8pm to wait in for the (possibly) imaginary parcel.

Guess what, Wednesday came and went.

That evening I spent another 45 minuets trying to get through to a “caring and friendly” CCM. Sadly I didn’t get one of these I got an “irritable and surly” one. I was then informed that the parcel hadn’t left the delivery depo (always good) since it had been returned on Friday 30^th (even better!). I was passed over to a CCM Manager, who tried to plicate and sooth any concerns that I may have about the level of customer service that they offered. Me. Never. I was then informed that it would be delivered the next day neigh, it was guaranteed that it would be delivered to me next day.

Guess what, Thursday came and went.

I was pissed. Really, Really, Pissed. I phoned BT, the delivery company, David, My Mother and almost phoned Jeremy Kyle. I ranted, raved, sobbed and cried down the phone only to be told and reassured that, come hell or high water, I would get the delivery. Apparently the delivery company had already tried to deliver the parcel, but wouldn’t you know it, no one was in! Yes that the crappy excuse that they gave to me. Even though there where 11 people in the office, the time that they tried to deliver all where out, possibly washing their hair or something (at 4.14pm – it’s etched on my mind and possibly will be for some time.) mmmmm… I wonder if this was true or could it be a slacker of a driver wanting to get home early? So I agreed to give them one last attempt to deliver the “parcel”.

Friday, well arrived and it arrived

After spending over 200 mins on the phone; it arrived! I would like to say that I wooped and punched my fist in the air, but I was busy and on the phone (not to BT). I would like to take this moment to say to every one out there on the interweb, please what ever you do, please make sure that you NEVER, NEVER, NEVER use BT!

Friday was also another good day as I managed to get my grubby hands on a Wii. Horray!

That’s enough ranting at the moment and I sure that next week will be better. (Here is a hint for you! I have a second interview with a company who wants to pay me more, is that a big clue?)

Well peeps see ya, wouldn’t want to be ya!

SF xxx

Lifes a bitch and then you die!

Well what can I say that is going to be witty and deeply thoughtful. Its been weighing on my mind over the last year so now seams as good a moment as any to tell you, the kind readers of this blog about something terrible, yet something that I know has been coming since this time last year….. I turn 30.

I know that it doesn’t sound like much, but it does sort of scare me, not because I fear losing my hair (already happened), becoming fat (I’m on that slippery slope already) or not being able to use a young persons railcard; but more because I haven’t done half the things that I want to have achieved. I, like many people, write those bloody “things I must do buy the time I turn 30″ lists. My things included all sorts of stupid, weird and dangerous things, and having looked back on the things that I have done over the last 10 years it make me wonder if I have it in me.

 But that’s not the thing that worries me the most, the last (very last) thing that I wrote on the list was that I would start my pension. It depresses me that while I am still in the last dying throws of my “youth” I have to start thinking about getting old(er). I have no idea if I will be around in 20 years time, going by the rest of the males in my family this option looks rather dubious (my father died of a massive heart attack when he turned 48, my fathers dad died when he was 55 and if the rumours are true my great grandfather died when he was 56). With the male line dying off at ever younger ages how many more years will I have left (knowing my luck I will keel over 10 Min’s after winning the lottery) will I die and leave a good looking corpse (ha ha ha! good one!). So you can see the issue that I have with turning 30, its not so much all the things that I am loosing (youth, beauty, my hair) but all the things that I was stupid not to have done.

 Well I will grasp the bull by the horns (metaphorical, good vegan boy here!) and think about, looking into possibly doing some of those things. Or shall I admit defeat and book an appointment with the co-op to come round and measure me for a wooden box? Curse my indecisiveness, I think?.

 So what other things can I dump onto you (I use this blog a bit like a therapist, but its not metred and I can waffle on and on with out having to worry about taking out loan….. no wait, come back….. I’m sorry…. I will not talk about me….. I can change… honest…  

With love

 SF xxx

Is it a bird, Is it a plane…

This has nothing to do with the post below, but in order to cheer up, those people out there who are feeling sad, I proudly present for your amusement this photo. We are taking on a new range of male underwear and in order to make sure that the stuff wouldn’t frey at the crotch, we *forced* our sales exec into one of the numbers. Now male underwear is never usually sexy, and this photo proves the point. When worn on the out side of your clothes you can only get away with it if you are a super hero or have special needs. I feel that this image makes him look like a special needs version of superman! Ah bless..

One of those days

Its been one of those days – long and hard – rather like my job (and some of the products that I am working with at the moment!). It all has to do with the fact that I am having to start a new catalogue from scratch – and its a biggie 230 pages and in multipul languages as well. EVIL

A massive word up to the delightful Wondy Woman – who has placed a picture of moi on her blog (sadly I have what appears to be the world’s biggest double chin – curse the evil double chin) Thanks for that. But the best thing so far this week was discovering that Habitat’s new childrens range has a mirror designed by one of the greatest actresses ever to grace our screens – I am talking of the one and only Miss Piggy. I want one!

With Love to the little people

SF xxx

All work and no play makes paul a dull boy

I have to be honnest with you people out on the web – my working life at the moment is starting to get me down a little. I love the people and the job and I know that this sounds a little silly to say but I am not that happy at the moment. I work load is getting to me and I know that I could find a job that pays shit loads more than this one, so why am I still here? The co workers are great (see the image above of the sales team sampling a selection of the “quality?” lingerie that we may sell – the sales manager is the one in the green and the underling who is suckling at the teat of sales is in the rather fetching pink two peice)

I know that I have become stuck in a rut – get up go to work, work, go home eat and go to bed. I think I need to start living a little more – but this ofcourse takes cash and at the moment thats the one thing that I dont have. The Monkey and I are looking to buy a place (looking is the oprative word at the moment as with house prices in Brighton starting at around the 300,000 pound mark – 585,000 US Dollars – for a 2 bed house/flat will we ever have the cash for a place?)

I am also starting to question what I want in life – it has to be said that I do have an idea as to why I am having all these thoughts at the moment – in less than 6 months time I turn the ripe old age of 30 – monkey has already started to point it out with relish at my impending landmark age turning. *curse him and his 3 years younger than me age*

On a rather better note if any UK based people are reading this – if you would like to become a product tester (if you have no idea what type of products I sell just read a few of the post prior to this) then let me know – of course you have to be over the age of 18 and live in the UK – the email to contact is paul(the “at” sign)apollosales.co.uk

The question we all wanted answered

During my stay at Berlin we encountered a question that has vexed man for yearsThe question was this – How Big Is Too Big?

The answer is maybe its too big!

Yes it’s a giant black dildo that is being lovingly modeled by my manager – its over 2 ft high and the same with as most men’s thighs. If you want to know the woman in the video managed to get most of it in her! She must have had a fanny like a very large bucket!

More posts soon…

Berlin (or watching a man shove balls up his arse)

Well it’s been a long time coming but its here at last the latest installment from Shocking Fish. The last few months have been rather hectic. Venus in Berlin and Erotica in London all of which I have had to plan for (but more about that later!). There is also another milestone that I have reached, its been over a year of me blogging – and, yes I know that my posts haven’t been daily as some peoples but I’m a very busy bloke at the moment (he says staring into space and humming to himself) with much to do, people to see, places to go…

Berlin was a freak fest just waiting to happen. With over 2 month of planning and many sleepless nights we finally departed for Berlin (with all the stuff that we needed for our stand being sent by lorry and with me wondering if it would turn up or weather it would – like most luggage – end up somewhere else, or even worse get mixed up and I would end up with the display for some one else – knowing my luck nuns or orphans.) and headed for the orange glow that is easyjet. I have to admit that I have never been on an easy jet plane and most of what I know has come from Airport (the ITV show that shows a fly on the wall look at the EasyJet group) so I was expecting delays and missed flights, but what I got was plain sailing (or should that be flying) and we arrived in Berlin on time and with all my luggage (darn and there was me hoping for a nun or orphan in stead of my luggage).

The Hotel that my boss was staying at was infact a craphole of a place, and the only reason that we where not staying at the same place was due to a small problem that the hotel didn’t have any rooms (what a pity) so we (me and my manager) had to stay in a 4 star hotel in suites (they up graded us because I was a lovely gentleman – my grandmother would be proud). The set up day for Berlin was rather nevous for me I had arranged that all the pallets of stuff would be delivered to our stand and when we parked the car at the venue I has starting to panic – but because I am a wonderful and skilled individual (*giggle*) all was there and on time (well that is German effisency for you!). I took over 8 hours to set the stand up but in the end it did look rather cool (until we looked at other peoples stands – they had put a lot of effort and cash into the stands and ours was a spend as little cash as possible affair.).

The first day was knackering, the Venus Fair opened at 11am and closed at 10pm, as it was the trade day (the people who we wanted to deal with) I had a half hour brake and staeted to look around – O M G – There was one stall run by a company from Japan which was extreme water sports (and we are not talking wake boarding or water skiing here) and very odd gay porn. Well it would be rude not too watch wouldn’t it! A small bloke walked onto the stand and took off his dressing gown and started to put snooker ball up his arse. Well Im sure you would expect me to turn away in moral disgust – but dear reader I continued to watch , for you, understand. He then produced a plate and popped each ball out onto the plate….