The Snow Queen

28 02 2010

Monkey has always wanted to see the Northern Lights (I had always assumed that he meant the Blackpool Illuminations) and being the wonderful and deeply caring other half, I have always refused to give into his consent whining and insidious demands (treat ‘em mean and keep ‘em keen and all that jazz). On the other hand there is one person who has always given into his demands; Mother Monkey. Read the rest of this entry »


A dream in Peach Taffeta

23 01 2010

I was never going to be a blushing bride for two very simple reasons

1 – I am a man

2 – I was never sure that I wanted to get married

However about 6 months after meeting Monkey, I started to think a little differently. First let me explain a little about him. He has this habit of making me laugh when I am trying to argue or nag him to do something. He has a habit of demanding tea at the drop of a hat (big cup, red one sugar!) and worst of all I can’t imagine my life without his bulk besides me. So for the last 5 years we have happily milled about and lived together; me being fussy vegan type and him being a demanding ‘Northern Monkey’. So Just before Christmas we got ‘engaged’ (not sure what the gay option is for engagement is but seeing as I believe in equality I shall say that we are engaged). There is no ring as the one that Monkey wants is around £2000 (platinum with a cluster of small ‘black’ diamonds – see I told you he was a high maintenance be-atch).

So the family know, friends know, people at work know. People have already started to ask when the big day will be and what they should wear and what types of gifts they should buy for us. I have already had to quash peoples hopes of attending a ‘Gay Wedding’ as Monkey wants to spend about 50p on the whole thing and has already stated that he would rather no one is there (I’m hoping that I am not included in that!). I have also had to upset Monkey by saying that I would prefer that people don’t give us gifts (we have a home full of tat as it is, without a selection of toasters, smoothie makers and small bits of china added to the mix)

So at the moment we don’t have a date (it maybe at some point this year) so as soon as I have more information I will let you know.

The belle of the ball

SF xxx

Think of a number and divide it by 3

18 11 2008

Ok I have been a bad boy (sadly not in a perverse or naughty way) I haven’t been paying much attention to you (the few remaining readers of this blog!). So what has been happening in my life lately, well to be honest I am like a contented cat sitting by the fire having his chin stroked (not the best analogy but it works rather well) and I feel that I am really enjoying my job and Monkey is being loving a warm (I feel that this could just be a rouse and he is secretly planning to sell me via the interweb to an oligarch, possibly a blind, incontinent not very wealthy one but I’m sure that it won’t stop him!).

It has been almost 4 years since my little Monkey changed my life. In that time I have had to make tea more than ever and his constant demands for beer/tea/white bread/chippies (delete as applicable) would for many people be a breaking point. I sadly have self-esteem issues*which may be the only reason why I am still with him. I have put on about 2 stone since I have been with him; it’s mostly (well nearly all, OK all!) fat and is going to be a bugger to try and remove. I am truly happy and having looked back at my blog when I first started, the improvement has been huge (go on take a look and laugh at my feeble attempts at dating and battles with (mild) depression. It may well cheer yourself up, be honest we all enjoy taking the piss out of those less fortunate then ourselves!) I am in a happy place!

However I do feel that I am not being challenged at the moment and I am starting to get itchy feet – so next year could see changes again! I will try a blog on a more regular event to keep up posted on all that is happening in the wonderful world of shocking fish.

Whores will have their trinkets

SF xxx

*no I don’t – no REALLY I don’t.

Well Brizzel my Snizzel

31 08 2008

Hello, how have you been?

I know that I have been away for a while but if you let me explain I’m sure that you will forgive me (or maybe not!) So here I am in Bristol, so good they named it…once.

OK I have now moved up from Brighton to the mythical city of Bristol (you will be pleased to note that since I have moved up here Bristol has experienced a mini crime wave of stabbings and ‘vile gays in bushes’, honest it has NOTHING to do with me!) The new job is going well and I have now found a soul mate or two in the lovely (read that is cantankerous and bitchy) Lauren (think Wednesday Addams and you almost have her!), beautiful Helen (what she can do with paper mashie would make your eyes water), Caroline (pirate pete to her friends) and all the other freaks and weirdo’s that I have to work with. The job is very similar to the last one (sans the dildos and lube and replaced with Hot Chocolate and Cookies) sadly as a vegan I can’t eat the Cookies (don’t worry Monkey has now put on about half a stone due to my feeder tendencies and we may well be feasting on suckling Monkey come Christmas) but I get to feed frappes (or fraps as we in the trade like to call them!) to everyone else. Those who have worked with me will know what I am like (feeder? who, me?) and a warehouse filled with cookies and hot chocolate will only mean that by the time I leave I’m sure most people will have put on at least 2 stone!

So what about the new flat? Well we live in a place that Monkey refers to as ‘the gay balamory flats’ which to be honest they are a little like. The flat also has a nasty infestation of ‘Gayz’ as we homos like to call them. It may well be the mythical place that ‘Gayz’ come to die (or should that be ‘dye’) and Monkey has already started to stalk the possible ‘Gayz’ in the flat below (they like to wear very little while parading about their front room – which when you consider that they are on the ground floor over looking the road is quite ‘Gayz’) We have 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms (I know, I now have no excuse for not having a shower or bath!) but sadly it does have a down side (well something that Monkey doesn’t like) the Kitchen is in the same room as the living room which is a big downer for him (although he likes the fact that he gets his cups of tea quicker than before.) The move from the old flat was quite heartbreaking, it was the first flat that I had ever been proud to invite people round too – well if you had seen the main living room with is 18ft ceiling and balcony with sea views – you would under stand. I didn’t become a ‘grumpy git’ during the move – which as Monkey was going to leave me on the side of the road if I pissed him off, was quite a relief. It sill amazes me that we had so much tat in the old flat (we binned 18 bags of rubbish – and I mean rubbish). I will miss Brighton, but I know that someday we will go back (although not until we can afford to live their!)

So what does Bristol have in store for me? Well seeing as it has rained for most of this month and it looks like it will keep raining for the foreseeable future (how long is a cubit? I may need to build an ark!) So my Big Brizzel adventure begins here!

With delusions of grandeur

SF xxx

PS Thanks to Christa for getting me hooked on Sia

Best thing ever!!

30 01 2008

I have to say that I am rather loking forward to the weekend. I am off to see the family (whilst also dragging Monkey along with me; he hates ‘family’ type things) to celebrate the 1st birthday of my youngest neice. I will also be seein my mother, sisters, grandmother, aunt and verious other family types. So this shin-dig that will result in Monkey having to suffer my family will put a huge smile on my face and an even bigger one in my heart….

 Yay to Family

 sf xxx

That Sunday feeling

28 01 2008

It has been one of those weeks, well to be honnest I think that the whole of January has been a little bit…well crap to be honnest. I am currently ‘recovering’ from a rather nasty cold. I spent all of Saturday lying under the duvet (in the living room in front of the TV). I was unwell,  the point that even Monkey went out and brought cough syrup and soup for me (now that tells you how ill I was – even Monkey didn’t ask me to make tea for him at all through out the day.).

 Well I was feeling better by the next day. Monkey, woke up, gazed into my eyes and spoke to me in a soft and husky voice ‘Tea? Big cup!’ before removing the covers from me and forcing me out into the cold kitchen to pander to his wanton carnal tea needs. Its nice to know that I do at least get one day off to recover from a possible (and in a manly type of way) life threatening illness.

 So after burning my hand on a scalding tea bag, I showered and changed (Monkey being a grubby bugger just put clean clothes on a dirty, filthy, grubby and many other words ending in ly, body. We popped out into Brighton, mostly to see what I hould by the little ones (Its my youngest neice’s Birthday on Sunday and we still owe them Christmas gifts – they went to New Zealand to see thier other grandparents – my sister had fun, a hyperactive three year old and a ill/teathing 1 year old on a 34 hour flight! ha ha ha ha!) and Monkeys comics (Empire, SFX, Wii Reviews and a bag of sweets) and my magazines (New Humanist, Freethinker, Marketing and a bottle of water – go you can tell that Im the older of the two of us – although I look sooo much younger).

After wandering around we discide to book tickets to see ‘Sweeny Todd’ so we book tickets and with 1hour and 45 mins till the film starts we make our way for something to eat.  We went to Yo Sushi – the fuckers have changed te menu – all the vegan items that I liked had been removed (although Monkey informed me that his favourite Chicken dish is still on the menu, so he was fine.) so we then move across the road to Pizza Express. After waiting for almost an hour the food arrived – so we bolted it down. With only 4 minuets we had to run (filled to the brim with pizza and diet coke) to the cinema – I was jiggling like a waterballoon, Moneky being the true gent that his is, kept on making me laugh by poking me in the side; so weazing and jiggling like some sort of asmatic hippo we arrived at the cinema.

 Monkey grabs an ice cream and I filled up half a bath tub with cheap semi-flat cola (it was foul tasting pepsi max). I manage to drink most of it before the film starts. The film was great;I think that Tim Burton is a true cinamatic genius and if you havent seen the film yet, I would advise you to go and see it. The look is stunning, the feel of the film is deep and dramatic and the acting talent is one of the best around. I love Johnny Depp; he is truely talented and a great actor.

I am trying to think of a great way to end this post – I may well edit it once I have posted it but it will have to do for the time being.

 Piff, Puff, Poof

 sf xxx

Change of P(l)ace

23 01 2008

I like biscuits. I know it’s a strange way to start a post but it’s a fact. I really really love Bourbon Cream Biscuits. I am yearning for a sweet treat and at the moment I don’t have any! I have a feeling that I should be going out to get some but seeing as we don’t have any money (I have -£5.25 in my account, Monkey is over his £3000 overdraft and the joint account has less than 35p in it!) The money thing is worrying me a lot at the moment. I work hard (sometimes), I don’t drink or do drugs – so where the hell is all my money going. I know that as a couple we could spend a lot less on eating out, which the last time that we checked was running at about £350 per month ($685 US or $704 CAN) which by any stretch of the imagination is a hefty amount to be spending.

So what are we planning to do: Well as I may have touched on over the last few posts; we are looking to move house. I love this place but we have found cheaper places elsewhere (make that a saving of around £200 per month) plus cutting out all the eating out (£350) and changing the places where we shop (£150) we will be saving over £700 per month. This is where it get interesting and new. In August we are planning to move – away from Brighton and start a new life as vagabonds. I even have the red spotted hanky to be able to do this. I would like to point out that before you get your hearts set on me appearing in ‘Hobo Wrestling Vol4’ we are planning to move to Bristol. Neither of us have the faintest reason as to why we are moving to Bristol. I think it could do with the fact that it’s a lot like Brighton was about 10 years ago – going up. The house prices are relatively good and renting is going to be loads cheaper than in Brighton.

So as soon as we have finalised and made the plans to move I shall let you know!

sf xxx