What happened to 2012?

20 01 2013

So what happened to 2012? I do have a rather good excuse; well, let’s be honest, the truth may have more to do with the fact that I’m a lazy, slovenly old queen (I admit it I’m old – gay years like dog years are in multiples of 7 – I will be turning 252 at my next birthday!). I have, in fact, been doing my professional diploma in marketing via the CIM. So I have been working… slightly… well some times… OK in a huge panic right at the end of the assessment deadline (why do you thing I’m writing this? I have project work I need to get finished).

So what Read the rest of this entry »


Let’s talk about sex (but not in front of the kids!…)

7 04 2010

A few weeks ago a tweet caught my eye, it was from someone who was trying to drum up signatures to a petition regarding the new and improved ‘compulsory’ sex education lessons for children in UK schools from the age of five. I clicked on the link; as soon as I had I knew that I would have to do a blog about it…

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Help ducks this Easter

27 03 2010

Please donate to Viva! by clicking here

Below is information from Viva! about this latest campaign. If you are not a member of Viva! I would urge you to join them…

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‘Balls’, ‘Arse’ and the dangers of ice…

10 01 2010

I know that I only have myself to blame for this; but I do often wonder the sort of low level scum that I am attracting to my blog (apart from you – of course!). So looking at the search terms that people have used to get to this low rent ‘gin-joint’ include:

ball up the arse,  balls up arse,  what does shallow end of the gene pool mean?,  penis size gene pool,  balls in arse

I am thinking that ‘Balls’ is the main reason that people are coming here and I feel such a fraud for not have any on offer, sorry! If you have come here looking for shoving balls up your arse – please don’t – do you really want to end up in casualty at 10:45pm try to explain how it happened “Well…erm… I was naked and cleaning my flat, when… I slipped on a sock/cat/banana skin and that how it happened…really” while all the nurses, doctors and other Read the rest of this entry »

Find a new ‘Lumpy’

16 01 2008

I am sitting at work and as usual I am not working but just thinking about work. I know that some people who have tough and manly jobs are going to sit back and give a good old masculine belly laugh at the fact that my job is hard. I know that its not chopping down trees or lugging bricks up a mountain, but never the less my job is hard.

I have spent much of today pondering the deeper meanings of a rather strange pink vibrator called “Lumpy” and before I get comments about “..why did you call it that..” or “..what a shit name..” I have to hold my hands up and say IT WASN”T ME! I know that in time gone past I have come up with a fair few shit names for rather unattractive products; a good example was the ‘Atomic Buzz Bomb’ which sold so well that we discontinued it within 3 months of taking delivery.

Lumpy sat alone in a boggy marsh

Well can you?

Sometimes it’s not my fault. Over the last few months we have taken delivery of some rather interesting male lingerie. I want to go on record and say that I was never convinced about the stuff and was forced into taking it on because my old boss thought that it would be the must have item for ‘gay’ shoppers. As a ‘gay shopper’ I would never touch the stuff – its…. its… well take a look for yourselves:


Also if you know of any ‘gay shoppers’ who would want to buy this stuff please let me know – we have a warehouse full of the stuff! Which can be purchased through that fine erotic retail out-let cherrybliss (if your under 18 don’t look at this link, also best not to look if you are offended by images of unattractive people in underwear or people with deeply held religious beliefs – I’m not suggesting that the site is full of images of people with deeply held religious beliefs rather that if you do have them you might get offended. But to the rest of you filthy beggers’ – go ahead and take a quick look I’m sure you will love it!)

So to wrap up this interesting post? I would like some suggestions for a new name for ‘Lumpy’ – the winning person will get a free ‘Lumpy’ vibe and batteries as well… Sorry Wondy but you can’t post – you’re a pro – not that way though..

Scraping the bottom of the metaphorical barrel

sf xxx

Monkey Magic!!

9 12 2007

Today is a good day! I am sitting in the home office typing this – yes it has only taken us 13 months but we at last have wi-fi. Horray! But before you start getting too carried away with rapture over the news, I should first tell you about the horror that British Telecoms put me through in order to get the bloody thing. Are you sitting comfortably; I shall begin.

We had ordered the wi-fi which took a whole 15 minuets; this was fantastic. The wonderful; spanglly wireless hub would arrive with us something between 8 and 5 on Friday (30th November), this is where the horror begins…. By 5 the delivery had not arrived so I contacted BT. It transpires that the delivery company had tried to deliver it to a fictious address; well these things happen so I gave BT the correct address and was told that they would redeliver the parcel on Monday (3rd December).

Well Monday came and went so by 6pm on the Monday I had to call BT again. After waiting for 54 mins I was told that I had come through to the incorrect number and that I would be put through to the right number if I didn’t mind holding. I didn’t; so I was put through to the right line. After another 47 mins I spoke to a wonderful woman who informed me that I would have to contact the delivery company to find out what was happening to the parcel. So I did! After lessening to green sleeves for another 37 mins I got through to the delivery firm. I was put on hold whist the call centre monkey (I can say that as I have been a call centre monkey many times over the last 10 years) tried to find out what happened. So after yet more time lessening to a tinny rendition of Green Sleeves I was told that they could not deliver the address as it did not exist.

This confused me; I was at home at the time and was quite sure that my flat is real. I turned out that the delivery company still had the made up address that BT had given to them. By this time I was biting my fist so that I wouldn’t explode at the poor unfortunate CCM (Call Centre Monkey). So after several deep breaths I agreed that it would be best to deliver it to my work. I gave them the full address and was reassured that it would be delivered the next day (as the CCM said to me “honest” when I quizzed her over weather this would be the case).

Guess what, Tuesday came and went

Again I had to call the delivery company and find out what the hell was going on. Lucky it only took me 35 mins to get through; but I was reassured that my “call was important and a willing member of staff would rush to answer my question with a smile and polite disposition” sadly this was not the case. The CCM who answered my call was surly and a bit of a bitch. It turned out that the parcel would not be delivered on the Tuesday but on the Wednesday instead. To say that I was a little pissed off was a bit like saying that those Spice Girls adverts for Tesco are a little bit shit! As a result to not having anything better to do, I agreed (through gritted teeth) that I would once again wait around until 8pm to wait in for the (possibly) imaginary parcel.

Guess what, Wednesday came and went.

That evening I spent another 45 minuets trying to get through to a “caring and friendly” CCM. Sadly I didn’t get one of these I got an “irritable and surly” one. I was then informed that the parcel hadn’t left the delivery depo (always good) since it had been returned on Friday 30th (even better!). I was passed over to a CCM Manager, who tried to plicate and sooth any concerns that I may have about the level of customer service that they offered. Me. Never. I was then informed that it would be delivered the next day neigh, it was guaranteed that it would be delivered to me next day.

Guess what, Thursday came and went.

I was pissed. Really, Really, Pissed. I phoned BT, the delivery company, David, My Mother and almost phoned Jeremy Kyle. I ranted, raved, sobbed and cried down the phone only to be told and reassured that, come hell or high water, I would get the delivery. Apparently the delivery company had already tried to deliver the parcel, but wouldn’t you know it, no one was in! Yes that the crappy excuse that they gave to me. Even though there where 11 people in the office, the time that they tried to deliver all where out, possibly washing their hair or something (at 4.14pm – it’s etched on my mind and possibly will be for some time.) mmmmm… I wonder if this was true or could it be a slacker of a driver wanting to get home early? So I agreed to give them one last attempt to deliver the “parcel”.

Friday, well arrived and it arrived

After spending over 200 mins on the phone; it arrived! I would like to say that I wooped and punched my fist in the air, but I was busy and on the phone (not to BT). I would like to take this moment to say to every one out there on the interweb, please what ever you do, please make sure that you NEVER, NEVER, NEVER use BT!

Friday was also another good day as I managed to get my grubby hands on a Wii. Horray!

That’s enough ranting at the moment and I sure that next week will be better. (Here is a hint for you! I have a second interview with a company who wants to pay me more, is that a big clue?)

Well peeps see ya, wouldn’t want to be ya!

SF xxx

Lifes a bitch and then you die!

13 07 2007

Well what can I say that is going to be witty and deeply thoughtful. Its been weighing on my mind over the last year so now seams as good a moment as any to tell you, the kind readers of this blog about something terrible, yet something that I know has been coming since this time last year….. I turn 30.

I know that it doesn’t sound like much, but it does sort of scare me, not because I fear losing my hair (already happened), becoming fat (I’m on that slippery slope already) or not being able to use a young persons railcard; but more because I haven’t done half the things that I want to have achieved. I, like many people, write those bloody “things I must do buy the time I turn 30” lists. My things included all sorts of stupid, weird and dangerous things, and having looked back on the things that I have done over the last 10 years it make me wonder if I have it in me.

 But that’s not the thing that worries me the most, the last (very last) thing that I wrote on the list was that I would start my pension. It depresses me that while I am still in the last dying throws of my “youth” I have to start thinking about getting old(er). I have no idea if I will be around in 20 years time, going by the rest of the males in my family this option looks rather dubious (my father died of a massive heart attack when he turned 48, my fathers dad died when he was 55 and if the rumours are true my great grandfather died when he was 56). With the male line dying off at ever younger ages how many more years will I have left (knowing my luck I will keel over 10 Min’s after winning the lottery) will I die and leave a good looking corpse (ha ha ha! good one!). So you can see the issue that I have with turning 30, its not so much all the things that I am loosing (youth, beauty, my hair) but all the things that I was stupid not to have done.

 Well I will grasp the bull by the horns (metaphorical, good vegan boy here!) and think about, looking into possibly doing some of those things. Or shall I admit defeat and book an appointment with the co-op to come round and measure me for a wooden box? Curse my indecisiveness, I think?.

 So what other things can I dump onto you (I use this blog a bit like a therapist, but its not metred and I can waffle on and on with out having to worry about taking out loan….. no wait, come back….. I’m sorry…. I will not talk about me….. I can change… honest…  

With love

 SF xxx